Soccer, for Suckers

I'm bradley and it's my job to keep you from being the sucker at the table.

Those of you who follow this column  know one thing is universal and true - I hate soccer with a passion unmatched in most mortal men. And right now, I am in soccer hell.

The 2026 FIFA World Cup is currently being held across the United States. If you watch Fox Sports at all, and I do, you are assaulted with ads and promos about games, events - anything they can do to make more soccer exciting.

Unless you arm the players with clubs or live ammo, there's nothing exciting about the game of soccer. It's 90 minutes of players standing around in shorts, then every once-in-a-while running like their jocks are on fire kicking a ball as they go, only to kick it to the other team and let them do the same thing in the opposite direction. Result? About two minutes of action and one goal packed into 90 minutes of game time. It's why their announcers go absolutely berserk when someone kicks the ball into the opposing team's net. It's a chance for them to snap out of their coma and actually celebrate SOMETHING that's happening.

Soccer has been compared to hockey, with regard to the low scoring matches that can occur. First off, not true - hockey games consistently have teams scoring 4 or 5 goals a game each - so let's forget that lie right away. Soccer can only be compared to paint drying or waiting for your nails to grow. 

And do I have to even mention how 'soft' soccer players are in comparison to your garden variety hockey player?  Soccer players break a nail and act as if they just had their arm amputated without anesthetic. Hockey players get checked into the boards, break their sternum, and get back into the game (Patrice Bergeron).  

Now again, don't get me wrong. I played soccer for one year in high school. I respect these guys - they're in remarkable shape. They can run you into the ground. And they perform athletic feats every once in a while that make you shake your head. Ever try a scissor kick? Do not attempt it at home - or anywhere that's not fully padded. But you can't compare them to a game where men lose their teeth on a routine basis and just toss them aside and keep skating. Done with that.

But I'm not just here to bust on soccer. I'm here to make a point - that no matter how you dress this up, soccer is a game for kids - and no one else.

Here in America, we're late to the game. That's because parents of the last two generations decided, soccer was safe, simple and there could be participation trophies handed out so everyone is a winner and no one gets hurt. Noble enough, but stupid. There's more excitement in a stoop ball game or hopscotch than there is in soccer. 

Yeah, the soccer generation will watch and the soccer industry will do their best to create excitement. But I just got finished watching the chase for the Stanley Cup and I gotta tell you - soccer should just quietly pack their things and slink out the door. All it brings to the table is a colorful ball, a huge field and a small group of temperamental high strung personalities. No sport should allow you to read a good book while the game is going on, and make you realize, you could finish it and never miss a thing that happened on the field. And if you're seriously dumb enough to bet on this fiasco - well, I've got a new start up company on Mars I'd like you to invest in as well.

I'm bradley and it's my job to keep you from being the sucker at the table.